


you were my crown (now i'm in exile seein' you out)

by queenofmarigolds



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: F/F, Forgiveness Fic I guess, Gardening, Getting Together, Ireland, Lena Luthor Gets a Hug, Lena Luthor Needs a Hug, Lena goes to Ireland to work some stuff out, Mutual Pining, Post-Season/Series 05 Finale, There's a lot going on and I don't know how it is 20k but it is?, i don't know i listened to a lot of taylor swift and thought about lena in ireland, movies - Freeform, that is definitely there, which is good
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-22
Updated: 2021-01-22
Packaged: 2021-03-13 22:09:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 20,083
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28910628
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/queenofmarigolds/pseuds/queenofmarigolds
Summary: After they take down Leviathan things are not quite the same, Lena and Kara are not quite back to normal yet. But they could get there, maybe.Or, Lena finds her hometown in Ireland and goes. Kara finds a lot of ways to apologize and they heal together, like it should be.(i used to be Yeah_Im_A_Streetlight and i just changed it!)
Relationships: Kara Danvers/Lena Luthor
Comments: 39
Kudos: 394





	you were my crown (now i'm in exile seein' you out)

**Author's Note:**

> Hi. So. 
> 
> The title is from exile by Taylor Swift from folklore, but I basically had every Taylor Swift song and the new Julien Baker on repeat through this story. It is 20k and I honestly don't understand how or why but it's my fault so i'm sorry about that. 
> 
> Quick thing, Enniskerry Ireland is a real place (it's in County Wicklow) but I've never been to Ireland so I based the descriptions on the pictures online and also on my imagination. I don't know if there's a castle I just said that. 
> 
> Okay, well, I really hope you enjoy this and I hope you enjoy seeing Kara and Lena get over themselves so they can kiss. Thanks for reading.

~ _Lena_ ~

Kara hadn’t invited her to a game night since their fight in the Fortress of Solitude. 

Lena tries not to think about it. They’d been working together and they’d coexisted just fine, Kara had even officially forgiven Lena for everything that she’d done the last year and Lena the same. But that didn’t mean they were friends, didn’t mean they got to be like they used to, didn’t mean Kara forgave her for the betrayal of her trust. It made sense. Lena understood it. But deep down, past all the shoved away feelings and every childhood doubt she’d had about Lex and every 3 AM flash of guilt, she wished Kara had. 

It is, in a word, shitty. On Fridays Kara would flit around the Tower, talking eagerly to Nia about a new board game she’d purchased and then in a millisecond she’d be pestering J’onn about stopping at a bakery near his apartment. And Lena would sit there and watch.

She’d started working at the Tower after they’d dealt with Leviathan. Kara had been the one who extended the transfer offer but she had looked incredibly dubious about it, a raised chin and a foot more distance between them than Lena can ever remember there being. And Lena had accepted. She told herself it was to get the newest boost on technology— after all, they were constantly finding alien artifacts over here, and what could she invent with those?

But late at night when the lights of the city barely glinted through her too-tall window, when she felt dizzy in a bed from the height she never liked and the motion sickness of rushing into things, when she let herself exist in the quiet… in those nights she let herself remember the real reasons. To make sure Kara was safe. To be nearby, just to be absolutely positive. To watch Kara on Fridays before game nights in that pure unfiltered state of joy. Just so she knew that Kara still smiled that way, even if it hurt that it wasn’t directed in her direction anymore.

That last night, the one right before she left, she could swear Kara’s eyes lingered on her a minute while she and Alex deconstructed a piece of a new villain’s suit. Lena felt eyes on her neck but when she turned around Kara was deep in conversation with Brainy.

When she leans back down to her work Alex catches her eye contemplatively. “You should come to game night, Lena. Really.”

(In some strange twist of fate it was Alex Danvers who had been the first to really treat Lena the same after all of it. It had seemed out of character for her, but Alex had actually explained it to her. “Being with Kelly has made me see how unhealthy it is to make snap decisions about people. I’m working on second chances, and to be honest, I’d really love to give you one.” Lena had been surprised but agreed.)

Lena scoffs.”I don’t think that would be a very good idea.”

“And why not? Nia’s always talking about how much better the night is when you bring your expensive alcohol. Brainy complains about our intelligence and you know you’re basically the only human he respects. We miss having you there, Lena.”

Lena must have accidentally glanced in Kara’s direction because Alex’s eyebrows rise slowly and she nods after a beat. “Oh.”

There was no real use in denying it. “Yeah,” Lena sighs. 

“You know, I think she really does want you to come. She hasn’t really been herself lately. I’m just not sure if she knows how to… Kara honestly isn’t the best with conveying what she wants,” Alex said tentatively, a bit of a question in her voice. 

Lena just nods and turns back to her work. Alex follows her lead, because one of the great things about Alex Danvers is that she does not pry.

She knows Alex is right. Lena distinctly remembers a time early in their friendship where Kara spent half of an evening fidgeting and biting her lips before blurting out that she’d like to go out for sushi with Lena. She’d turned pink when Lena agreed and had looked almost proud of herself after and Lena is angry that she’d never thought anything of it before. It was the first time Kara ever phrased anything that way— the first time she mentioned something _she’d_ like them to do instead of something Lena might want or something that “could be fun.” Oh. 

Despite herself she feels a rush of affection for Kara, a rush of something a tiny bit more. She was trying so hard, working tirelessly to put her past behind her and look forward and in her own way Lena had interrupted that. 

Kara floats by and barely acknowledges her and that is what hurts most in the end, the fact that months before Kara would’ve stopped to gush about Lena’s work and bounce on the balls of her feet while she talked about any upcoming party or holiday. It hurts that Kara seems to have moved on while Lena is stuck thinking about her into the night and through wide hours in the midday, that Kara is capable of existing so wholly without her. That Lena’s life, which was once patches of music and science and cool, hazy walks at sunset had been sewed together with the loving thread of Kara Danvers. And now the shreds were being ripped apart, and her anchor was gone, and she didn’t depend solely on Kara because even she knew that wasn’t healthy. It was just nice to feel loved for once, and Kara had done it with so much of herself.

She watches, though, as Alex grabs her sister’s forearm and whispers something in her ear. And then they’re both glancing her way while Kara hisses something back, looking panicked, and Alex is frowning at Kara, and Lena sort of wants to melt into the ground. Kara pulls her arm away, glares at her sister, drifts towards Lena. 

“Can I talk to you? In private?”

Fuck, it really shouldn’t hurt Lena to hear the coldness in Kara’s voice but it _does_. She looks detached, which is something Kara never was, not even at the very beginning. Ever since that first meeting Kara has been attentive and wide eyed and caring, and she’d always been so involved and just… there. And now she is _right there_ and she is looking away, looking stoic and almost bored and Lena’s heart feels like it’s cracked into three pieces. 

But she follows Kara to the balcony. It’s dark out, and a little cold, and Kara doesn’t make eye contact even as she fidgets with her fingers.

“Do you want to come to game night?”

The thing is, it’s said in a monotone. Kara Danvers is not someone who speaks in a monotone, probably has never before sounded so disinterested. Kara, who has piles of opinions about cheese and pebbles and basically everything she’s ever encountered. 

So it’s clear to Lena that Alex has forced her sister to invite her. Something about that hurts more, and some part of her that she’s been able to silence finally shrieks out its sick, twisted conclusion. _What if she doesn’t want you anymore? What if she never needs you again? What if the best is already over?_

Because, really, Lena isn’t stupid. Her life won’t end without Kara Danvers, just like it wasn’t over before they’d met. Lena had her first edition Virginia Woolfs and her scratched Joni Mitchell records, she had her harvest themed Yankee Candles hidden in a back room because no fancy brand ever quite captured that particular smell. Lena had always had a life without Kara Danvers. 

But Kara was like her sun, her glue. Kara helped everything make sense, helped the scattered thoughts in her brain sit and rest for a moment. And Kara was the person who made all her little things enjoyable. She’d been so nervous the first time she’d invited Kara over, knowing Kara would be expecting a white and gold fortress and not a twisty bricked building, forest green walls and her only complaint being the height, the tallness she’d always shied away from. But Kara had knocked on the door holding a lumpy and poorly wrapped package and had beamed when Lena told her to make herself at home. Kara had brought her a strange throw pillow just because she’d wanted to, and Kara had raved about the apple scent from her bedroom until Lena blushed and showed her the candle. And then Kara had laughed but it was kind laughter, eyes smiling at Lena. And that was when she’d realized Kara had somehow breached her castle walls.

(When Kara had gasped at the sight of Lena’s book collection and raced to trace the spines, tentative when Lena told her she could lift them, she’d known. When Kara had peered at the seashells Lena had balanced on her bookshelf, she’d known. When Kara finally proclaimed that she adored Lena’s house almost as much as she adored Lena, a silly grin painted onto her face, she’d known.)

So sure, Lena had a life alone. She loved her time alone, loved when she could walk down any street she wanted because no one was telling her where to go. But Kara had never really felt like a burden, and right now Lena wanted to reach out and sway with Kara under the moonlight on the balcony to some imaginary waltz. And Kara had spoken in a monotone. And she didn’t care anymore.

“No.”

And Kara had let out an exasperated laugh, one of those sickening notes that she directed at anyone who disrespected Alex or Cat or Nia (and Lena, once, but she was not going to think about that. She _wasn’t_ ). But Kara almost rolled her eyes, and with some strange satisfaction Lena realized that she would never have done that before. She’d never even so much looked at Lena the wrong way, before it all.

“And Alex acts like it’s my fault,” Kara murmurs, and Lena furrows her brow.

“What are you talking about?”

“Just my sister. ‘Kara, Lena misses you. Kara, please just invite her.’ You do realize you’re right here with me, right? You’re as much a part of this as I am.”

When Lena had been younger she and Lillian had fought over the most trivial things. How Lena was sitting, or how she should organize her bedroom. And Lena had always sensed a turn in the air right before, a raw element to her surroundings that ripened with the tension. So she could tell.

Lena felt it now, felt Kara moving into a power stance. The air was changing, disassembling wildly between them. Lena resigned herself to the fight.

“Spare me the act, Kara. Are you actually going to pretend you’ve been so courteous to me after we finished with Leviathan?”

“What is that supposed to mean, Lena?” Kara says her name with such a bitter twinge and it hurts, almost, before Lena remembers they are fighting now. She blocks it off.

“It means that I apologized. I fucked up, and I know that. I did some horrible things. And honestly, some of the decisions I made were things I never would have done. And I’m sorry for what I did, I really am, I’ve been trying my best to set it all right and destroy any harmful technology and talk with anyone I might have hurt. But I don’t think anything will be enough for you. And you’d never even admit that you did some horrible things too, would you? You’d never be honest about the things you said to me. You were my best friend, Kara, and you had the ability to talk to me as two different people.”

“I can’t control that.” She’s so still, so stoic, and Lena wants to scream.

“Don’t you understand? The problem was never that you were Supergirl! The problem was that I knew you as Kara Danvers and I knew you as Supergirl and I talked to each part of you about the other one, and each of you knew things I meant for that part to know. And you lied, and you pretended to be those two people, and you never told me. It’s humiliating.”

“I did it to protect you!” Kara’s face is flushed, and her voice is rising, and her hair is askew, and she looks beautiful like this. Lena shoves that thought away before it can fully manifest.

“We both know that’s bullshit.”

“It isn’t, Lena.”

“I was in enough danger already. What was the real reason, Kara? What was the point of it all?”

Kara looks mournful, suddenly, almost panicked, and Lena decides she’ll stop asking why. Just for the moment. Because she knows Kara, and knows when Kara feels trapped, and she can feel Kara weighing her escape routes and counting up to her lucky numbers slowly in her head. Lena is angry, and she’s maybe a little bit heartbroken, but she isn’t cruel. Not to Kara, never Kara.

“Can I just ask you one thing?” Lena asks softly, and Kara looks up in almost relief that the rapid fire questioning is over. She nods, but her jaw is firm, her shoulders set. She’s really angry.

“Was… was any of it real? The dinners, and the birthdays, and everything. Did you mean it?”

Kara’s brow crinkles and her lips bunch up and Lena has to shove down her feelings again, but this time they fall more towards internal screams that Kara is adorable and what is she doing, just grab her, just —.

“You’re my best friend, Lena.”

And that’s it, then.

“I’m so mad at you, Kara.”

“I am… _so_ mad at you, Lena.”

“Yeah.”

“Yeah.”

“And before this, you never invited me to game night. That’s what I mean.”

Kara’s jaw sets again and Lena recognizes that the temporary truce is over. “I didn’t know you wanted to go. How the fuck was I supposed to know that, Lena?”

Kara was cursing, now, and it shouldn’t send a bolt of heat through Lena but it does, so help her. “Of course I fucking did, Kara. I’m pathetic, because in case you didn't realize, I don’t exactly have a line of admirers waiting to occupy my Friday nights.”

“Well, I don’t know what to say, Lena. I’m angry. And I’m not going to invite someone I barely speak to.”

“Sure, you don’t invite your best friend but you invite that random British reporter friend of yours.”

“Who, _William_?”

“I don’t know, Kara! What am I to you anymore?”

“Lena,” Kara says, and she sounds oddly composed, “What does William have to do with this?” 

Lena pauses. Kara looks almost desperate, wild. She looks like she is on the edge of genius, on the edge of an epiphany. There is nothing to find, though, she knows it. She’s still seething, still feels the extent of all the piles of anger for Kara curling up and ready to strike. 

There’s something beneath them, too. Something that reaches out a withered hand, something that wants her to twine up with Kara, something that wants to fly above the clouds and watch as Kara twists her hair and moves her eyebrows in that adorable way she sometimes will. 

When the anger will clear, Lena is sure she will have to confront that growing mass, and she is not ready to do that. Not yet.

“You know what, Kara? I’m done. I can’t do this anymore.”

There is a flash of complete heartbreak in Kara’s eyes, a mournful blue, and then she steels herself. “Fine.”

“You don’t have to pretend anymore, okay? I know you hate me. Why don’t you just leave me alone, and I’ll stay away from you, and we can both go back to what it was like before we met. Okay?”

In a flurry of quick things she walked off the balcony then, back through the Tower, and she could see Alex looking at her with a wild mix of emotions. Her last glimpse of Kara is through a grayed window, and she is just _standing there_. Her mouth is slightly open and her jaw is working and her eyes look so mournful, so doe-wide and blue. Her lip may be trembling. She looks like she’s fighting off a tidal wave of words.

She spares her one last glance. Kara’s eyes meet hers through the window and they freeze together. Lena wants to let out a sob, a yell, _anything_. 

She doesn’t. She turns on her heel and walks the fourteen blocks home, to her unsewed patches of a life and her too tall windows and the bed where she feels dizzy sometimes. 

She falls asleep quicker than she has ever, maybe. It feels like death, her legs catching in a textured blanket and her head whirling by a glow of streetlights, but if this was a type of death maybe it wouldn’t be so bad. Because she falls asleep to a montage of memories, a pink smile and a crooked cupid’s bow and blond curls bouncing and cute little dresses and late nights where Kara’s steady breaths made her chest rise and fall with Lena’s cheek pressed to it.

-

She wakes to a blinding sunlight and a barrage of notifications. 

In the grand scheme of things timing was the thing that worked perfectly in her favor. Things started to fall together that morning, in a strangely ironic way, and Lena was not one to tempt fate. 

It had all been Kara’s idea. Before Lena knew, before their fight, there had been one night. There was a drunk cloudy element to the memories, and with Lena’s head in Kara’s lap she could watch the ceiling buzz as an effect of the wine they’d consumed. 

“I don’t remember where I’m from,” she’d admitted, and had felt more than seen Kara look at her, felt her warm breath trace across Lena’s cheekbones. 

“How do you mean?”

“Lillian always said Ireland. They let me pick my boarding school when I was younger, you know, and that’s why I went where I did. Lillian said Ireland and I just wanted to go home, see what I remembered. But it was right near Dublin. And all I remember from before is confusing now.”

She’d looked at Kara then who nodded, raised her eyebrows. 

“Like, I know names. Faces. Events. When I was little I would recite things, almost obsessively, really. The names of my neighbors. But I can’t picture the place. I know there was a little main street, I remember a little church and graveyard my mother used to let me pick flowers from. But I don’t know the name, I was _four_ , I… I don’t remember…”

Kara had been there to hold her while she cried that night. She’d been there to tuck Lena in through her haze. She’d been there in the morning to tell Lena that they were going to do some digging. She’d been so excited, saying she could put neighborhood names into fine search engines from CatCo and that they could reverse search by smaller villages. She’d been bouncing and Lena had said yes, because of course she had. 

And they had made real progress for a while. And Lena had sent out emails to a few of the more distinct names, had tried to match the Picasso-like faces in her memories to the blurry Facebook and Instagram profiles of people who looked so different, so much older.

And then there had been nothing for a while, a few dead ends, a few unhelpful replies, and then she’d lost the thread for a while. 

But of course things fall into place how they always do, because Lena is squinting in the morning light and her puffy eyes are focusing on a Facebook message from a Devlin Maoilir, a man whose wrinkled eyes she recognizes. 

And he thinks he remembers her. And he’d known a baby Lena Kieran, although, he’d said, it wasn’t an uncommon name and he couldn’t be sure. But he’d provided a name of a town. Enniskerry, Ireland.

Lena’s hands were actually shaking, which was so uncalled for, but she typed the letters into her searchbar and tapped the Wikipedia result. 

She doesn’t want to be dramatic, but it feels like she exhales twenty three years of her life in one breath, like her mind is being woven back together at top speed. The town’s image is of a little church— Saint Patrick’s, the caption declares— and Lena _knows_ that church as if it’s a dreamscape. She’s followed in between those crooked graves and ran her hands over peeling paint. 

The more she scrolls the more she’s sure, this is the place. The looming mountains, the winding street— she was so unaware of how much she’d absorbed, once, of how much she knew this place. 

It was satisfying and gratifying and it also felt like a punch in the stomach because her overwhelming urge was to call Kara, to tell her to look up Enniskerry and to hear Kara gush over it and to see it with Kara, to experience this with her. 

That was never going to happen, not after last night. 

Which is why Lena has to make the decision she does.

When it comes down to it, it’s not just about Kara. Sure, it’s _mostly_ about Kara but really there’s something she can’t refuse in those images, something she remembers. She’s confronting things she’d always imagined to be fabricated. Of course she was going to go.

The real decision, she supposes, is the choice not to mark an end to her stay. It isn’t permanent, definitely not, but it’s just… what is she keeping with her here? What does she have to stay for?

She’s gone by Sunday morning. 

~ _Kara_ ~

It’s on Wednesday that Kara finally understands that if Lena is hidden in some concrete basement, if Lena is somehow never coming back, if Lena is _dead_ , it is all Kara’s fault. 

After she’d panicked a fair amount she’d found herself at Alex and Kelly’s door, breath short and stomach turning. Alex’s brow had knit together and Kelly had brought her a warm blanket and they’d been perfect, leaving just enough space to be safe and assuring Kara that nothing was her fault, that if Lena was in danger they’d find her. 

Kara wasn’t so sure. After all, they’d fought on Friday. And now nobody was really sure about Lena’s whereabouts. What if Lena had done something reckless, what if she let her guard down? What if, in the one night Kara hadn’t breathed in and out to the rhythm of Lena’s heart, it had stopped?

She’s heartbroken, really. Their fight had been gutting, she’d felt like her heart was being torn to shreds, but something was still there. She could see it in the way Lena stopped her quick questioning just as Kara started to get overwhelmed. She could see it in the tentative flickers of Lena’s brow. There was something there still. 

When Lena had said her piece, had said “I know you hate me” and “we can go back to what it was like before we met” she’d wanted to scream, to yell that she loved Lena and that she could never imagine living without her. But it was all so much, the words got all jumbly in her throat and she couldn’t quite speak with her overwhelming urge to cry and scream and kiss Lena. Which was another feeling she wasn’t used to confronting. So she just stood there frozen and watched as Lena walked away. 

She was gone, now. It had taken Kara two days, two _whole_ days to realize Lena was really not there anymore and she hated herself for letting it take so long.

By Wednesday she’d realized that it was all her fault and started to wonder if Lena had updated her emergency contact because she hadn’t gotten a call which could be a good sign or a really, really bad one. That’s approximately when the room started to close in on her and the happy shadows of her couch and polaroid-coated mirror turned bitter, which was around the time she flew out her window as fast as she could manage.

Sleeping on Alex and Kelly’s pull out couch beat not sleeping at all, and when she rolled over just right there was an indent that was really quite comfortable. “You’re not going to get anything done tonight, Kara, you can rest for now,” Alex had said, and Alex was usually right. She wasn’t feeling so panicky now, just warm and enveloped in heavy blankets. 

She was finally starting to drift off when she heard the muffled sounds of a conversation in the next room. “— doesn’t really know how she feels, I think,” Alex is saying, and Kara blinks slowly, strains to listen.

“Well, do you know anybody who would know if she’s safe, at the very least?”

She heard Alex biting at a nail, a telltale sign her sister is actually concerned. Her heart shrinks at the thought of Lena in danger but swells again, Lena has people looking for her, Lena has Kara and Alex and Kelly. She will be alright.

“There’s definitely some people I can check in with in the morning,” Alex says, and Kara pushes her face into the pillow to inhale around a smile. Maybe. 

“— got to try not to stress her out too much. She’s really scared. You’re good at that.” Kara only catches the end of Alex’s sentence but it makes her breathe a little easier nonetheless. 

It’s going to be okay.

-

Kara wakes up the next morning to Kelly tapping tentatively on her arm. “Kara? We picked up some donuts, and Alex is making hot chocolate. Do you want to get up?”

She did. She felt better now, and her stomach grumbled in appreciation of the white box sitting on the island. 

Alex pours some hot chocolate into a mug stacked high with whipped cream and marshmallows and watches as Kara grabs a spoon eagerly. She sits opposite her sister.

“So, Kara. Do you want to talk about Lena yet? Because if you need some time that’s—,”

“Yes,” Kara says instantly, straightening up, “do you have any ideas? Have you heard from her?”

“Not really,” Alex says slowly, “but… well, I remember you mentioned once that you could pick out Lena’s heartbeat. Can you hear it now?”

How had she not thought of that? Kara shuts her eyes, takes a breath, and waits. She’s listening for the familiar pattern of Lena, for the tapping of her heart or the sound of her footsteps or anything familiar, anything she can cling to. But the city is loud and either Lena is far away or something is very, very wrong. Kara tries not to panic. She feels her eyes filling with tears. 

“Alex, I can’t— I can’t hear her, I’ve never…”

And Alex is there and she’s holding her arm. “Hey, hey, look at me. Look at me, Kara.”

Kara finds Alex’s eyes and sniffs. 

“It’s going to be alright. And that doesn’t mean anything, you’re tired and it’s noisy in the city. If she isn’t close by then it’s completely understandable. Right?”

Kelly nods, and Kara bites her lip, finally letting herself agree.

“And… well, I’m not sure if this will work, but did you maybe want to call Lena’s assistant? Jess, isn’t that her name?”

Yes. Of course Jess would know, Jess knew everything about Lena. And if Lena was hurt or dead or in danger she would have told Kara, wouldn’t she?

Kara nods, then, wipes her eyes with her wrist and fishes her phone out of her sweatpants pocket. Her fingers are shaking for some strange reason but she’s able to tap Jess on her contact menu, selecting call. 

Jess picks up after three rings (two longer than normal, Kara notes privately). “Kara.”

“Um. Hi. I was… well, I was wondering if you’ve heard from Lena? We kind of had a fight and then I haven’t seen her since then but then other people haven’t been able to reach her either and I couldn’t hear her— well. Have you heard from her?”

Jess pauses a moment, no doubt letting Kara know whose side she’s taking in all of this. It’s fine, that’s fine, just as long as Lena’s okay. It would all be worth it.

“She’s okay.”

It feels like all the air Kara had been cooping up in her bones is exhaled at once. “She’s okay?”

Alex and Kelly perk up at that, turning to each other with little smiles and whispered conversation. Kara isn’t finished though. “Jess? Do you know where she actually is?”

She can tell Jess is contemplating how much to reveal and Kara prays her years of friendship with Lena and all the meals she brought Jess will be enough to override these last few months. 

“I don’t, actually,” Jess responds finally. “She texted me pretty early on Sunday morning and said she wouldn’t be coming in for a while. She’s got this really detailed protocol for what to do in the event she isn’t in the office, you know Lena, so she was letting me know how to unlock it. She did mention that she’s okay, but I don’t… yeah. I don’t know where she is.”

Kara’s body feels like it’s having a conflicting party and panic attack. Lena is okay, and it definitely would’ve been her who texted Jess. No one else would know about her protocol or her passwords. But this also meant nobody knew where Lena was. At all. 

“I was actually planning to ask you. You hurt her a lot, Kara, but I think if anyone knew where she was it would be you.”

“I don’t,” Kara murmurs, “at least, I don’t think… maybe something will come to me, I just—,”

“Look, don’t worry about Lena. She can take care of herself, and she isn’t in danger. Just… well, if you happen to figure out where she is you’ll let me know, right?”

Kara feels a little smile pulling at her lip. “Yeah,” she says, “yeah. Thank you, Jess.”

“Of course. Please don’t worry, she wouldn’t want you to. And L-Corp is going to be just fine.”

“Oh, that I’m sure of,” Kara says, and Jess laughs. “Thanks, Jess. I’ll let you go.”

She hangs up the phone with a smile despite herself. Alex is looking at her expectantly. 

“She’s okay. And L-Corp’s okay, but… well, Jess said if anyone knows where she is it’d be me. And I don’t. So.”

Alex nodded like she understood and maybe she did, Kara wasn’t sure. Nevertheless her sister was hugging her and whispering into her ear that Lena was okay, and that it was all going to be alright. 

Kelly set out a donut with vanilla frosting and sprinkles, Kara’s favorite, and she let herself take a bite. 

Lena was okay. That was all that mattered for now. 

-

It turns out the knowledge of Lena’s safety is great but nowhere near comparable to actually knowing where she is. Or to seeing her. Or something.

Their fight feels like something from another dimension, she can’t remember being angry or why she would ever feel that way towards Lena in the first place. Regardless of that, though, they haven’t spoken in two weeks now. So she’s getting a tiny bit desperate.

The problem is that Kara isn’t sure where to start. She and Lena were solid before it all but she really doesn’t think there’s many other people in Lena’s life she could say that about. Like, Andrea was an option. But, according to Nia, that relationship was covered in the sexual tension of exes. Lena wouldn’t have called Andrea up to let her know where she was headed off to.

It was driving her crazy. She had already ruled some places out— definitely not anywhere hot, Lena hated the humidity around this time of year. She used to bring out a spray bottle she’d bought at the CVS on hot nights in National City, complaining to Kara that she never would have considered moving to such a hellhole if it weren’t for her job. 

“And me,” Kara had protested.

“Of course, darling.”

Their relationship had been _solid_.

She just missed Lena so much. 

She tries New York. Lena loves it there, always talking about moving someday (Kara knew she wouldn’t, not without her, and that was one of those little fires in her chest that she wished she’d prodded while she could). But there’s no sound of Lena or her heartbeat. 

She does get some looks as she wanders through Greenwich Village in her full supersuit. It’s pretty likely J’onn will give her that ‘what was the point of that’ look later but it doesn’t really matter. Nothing about it does, really, not when she just wants everything she does to be done with Lena.

If life was normal she would have dragged Lena to see the Friends apartment and Lena would have grumbled about it being a pointless tourist attraction. If life was normal they could’ve taken empanadas to Washington Square and they would’ve stopped in bookstores and they would’ve stayed out late. 

Life isn’t normal, though, and she isn’t on a vacation with Lena. Lena has practically dropped off the globe and Kara is pathetic across the country looking for something she won’t ever find.

She leaves the city the same day, but not without taking a quick walk by the Friends building. After all, it’s what Lena would have wanted.

-

“Does Lena have any other family she could be with?” Alex asks. It’s Friday again (three weeks since the fight, Kara tallies in her mournful little calendar) and there is no game night. She didn’t actually cancel but she’s pretty sure Alex did. Or, like, Alex threatened some people. Same thing.

Kara leans across Alex’s lap with her spoon. They’re sharing a pint of Ben & Jerry’s and watching The Grinch and normally it’d be perfect. But, well.

So Kara scoops a large spoonful of ice cream into her mouth. “No. I mean, the Luthors are obviously… not an option. And she doesn’t have grandparents or aunts or anything. And her birth mother is—,” she trails off suddenly.

“Dead, I know. Damn, I still think that’d be the most likely—,”

“Alex,” Kara whispers, “Alex, I might have an idea of where she could be.”

Alex perks up. “Well? Tell me, then!”

“Okay, okay, calm down! I don’t know for sure.”

“Kara,” Alex whines, flicking ice cream at her, “you’re being annoying.”

“Rude,” she says, with a pointed look at Alex and then the drops of ice cream she’s sprayed and back, “but shut up and listen. Before I told her I was Supergirl Lena and I were trying to find her hometown. In Ireland. And we did a ton of records research and contacted a bunch of locals and everything, but as far as I know we didn’t hear back. Unless she did, and maybe she went. Maybe she went home.”

Alex bites at her lip for a second. “You know what? Kara, I think you’re right.”

“You do?”

“I do.”

“Oh... my god. Oh my god, did we find her?”

“Well, no, dummy, you don’t know what town she’s in. Or even what area. Ireland is a whole country, remember?”

“Oh. You’re right.”

“But…”

“But?”

“You’re absolutely gonna be mad at me.”

“Alex! What?”

“Kara, we have connections. You do know that if you’d just asked me or Brainy or J’onn about Lena’s birth certificate or something we could’ve found this information for you years ago?”

“What! Alex, are you kidding me?”

“But it’s a good thing! I can make a few calls.”

“Isn’t that illegal?”

“Oh, I’m sorry, aren’t you the one who stranded Morgan Edge on a cargo ship because he offended Lena?”

“That was… well, in that case, I— Alex, that’s—,”

“Yeah, yeah. Give me until Monday.”

-

Enniskerry. 

Alex had said she was, like, ninety five percent sure that that was where Lena would be. “It’s definitely where she was born, but they could’ve moved. Or she could be in the wrong place now. Just don’t get your hopes up too high, alright?”

Kara had agreed, but she absolutely wasn’t planning to take the advice to heart. She’d gone more than three weeks without even a glimpse of Lena, and that was truly criminal. 

She finally flies over before dinner. It’s a long journey, but she’d promised not to skip work or Supergirl business. 

Kara touches down just outside of the village first. She isn’t planning to touch down in front of some bakery in full superhero gear, she’s not trying to draw attention. No one needs to know she’s come.

She puts her glasses back on and the supersuit recedes back into her favorite white sweater and jeans that make her butt look good, according to Nia. At this point she’ll take what she can get. (If Lena happens to notice this that is just an added plus, right?)

It doesn't take her long to realize there actually isn’t much of a plan in place. Is there an etiquette for magically arriving in small town Ireland to track down your missing best friend? Or, well, ex best friend. Current object of her affections? Kara shudders. She sounds disgusting. 

Realizing she loved Lena had hit her all at once. It all got so complicated so quickly, though, and she’d found herself crying on Alex’s couch more often than she would have hoped for. It was all so much, so overwhelming as she found herself piecing together every strange feeling she’d ever had about Lena and rolling back every old memory. Just to see. 

Being in love with Lena had an excellent part to it, though, which was the fact that Kara was in love with _Lena Luthor_ , who stunned and amazed her every day. Who was too good and brilliant and beautiful for this world. Who was everything Kara had ever hoped for. 

But she wanders into town thinking about it, remembering a lunch date where she’d looked over at Lena and seen her eyes fixed below her face. Remembering Lena’s heart’s quick spike that time Kara had touched her knee, so sudden and startling she’d jerked her hand away. Thinking about all the maybes. (Kara wasn’t stupid. She knew Lena didn’t feel _like that_ , but it was okay. It was so sappy and therefore she’d never admit it to Alex or Nia or anyone, really, but being in love with Lena made it all worth it. Even if she could never feel the same way. It didn’t matter.)

She finds herself in front of a little general store, which she enters cautiously. The woman running the counter is happy to point her in the direction of the new girl in town, and Kara buys a little candle as a thank you. She would, under normal circumstances, be worried that someone would hand out Lena’s information in such a careless way but something about this doesn’t feel dark to her. She’d be willing to wager that most of these people didn’t know Lena as Lena _Luthor_ , and that nobody was going to find her here in the first place. Well, no one but Kara. Which was exactly what Lena had left to avoid. 

She does feel guilty as she walks up the hill towards the sprawling wood house she’s been directed to. It isn’t quite fair and she knows it but she has to see Lena. She has to. 

It’s then that she decides she will see Lena and Lena will not see her. It’s okay. Kara will glimpse her, make sure she’s okay and safe and then she will go home and she will wait until Lena is ready. That is, after all, what Lena deserves, working on her own time.

She doesn’t approach the house when she reaches it, instead choosing to stay barely at the top of the little hill. She fidgets, knits her fingers together, pulls some loose thread off her sweater. Waits. 

Then Kara sees her and it’s glorious, weirdly. 

Lena is in her house and she looks content, looks calm. She practically floats by a window into her kitchen, picking up a mug and rooting through a drawer. She puts water on the stove and her lips are pinched in one of her not quite smiles and oh, Kara is so weak for her. 

She doesn’t want to linger. She has to get back to work, has to stop staring. Has to let Lena be alone when she wants to. 

So when Lena walks out of the kitchen for a moment Kara catches her breath. It’s time to go.

She sends a quick parting wish to the universe, a wish that Lena is relaxed and happy and is listening to her music and catching up on all the shows and books she never got a chance to consume on her chaotic schedule. 

And then she takes off. 

Alex checks in that night and Kara is smiling for the first time in a while. With Lena Luthor this was worth it. She could take whatever she was allowed to get and it would always be enough. 

-

She goes back, because of course she does. Just that one more time without Lena seeing her because, well. She can’t quite stay away. This time she lingers a little closer to the house because Lena is curled up in a giant red chair with a blanket on her legs and a mug in her arms. She’s watching something on her TV, judging by the open DVD case on the table. Kara squints, but she can’t quite see the screen from her position. 

Which is when it happens, because she realizes if she goes a little further to the right she’ll be able to see the screen and not that stupid cabinet, and then she can make sure Lena is watching a movie she actually likes and not some stupid sad thing she’s found lying around. Which is when she gets distracted by Lena flipping her hair up into a ponytail, and she moves a little too fast, and she hits a tree. There is a horrible cracking as a branch comes loose and Lena whirls around. 

Kara can’t be sure if she’s been spotted. She’d ducked quickly, but Lena is squinting and there’s an adorable little furrow in her brow. 

It’s so fucked up. Lena didn’t know she was there, Lena deserves better than a creep who watches their TV through their window. 

She squeezes her eyes shut. Stupid Kara, stupid stupid _stupid_ , she repeats to herself. It’s so selfish. She’s being so selfish, because once was enough and Lena was alright and she didn’t need to be back. 

So she goes again, stopping in Paris for a heartbeat to pick up Lena’s pastries so that she can eat them alone on her couch. If she zones out and drapes that one cable knit sweater Lena left at her house over the back of her pillow she can almost pretend Lena is there with her, smelling like flowers and a hint of rhubarb and goodness.

~ _Lena_ ~

She misses Kara.

She knows she shouldn’t. It’s so silly, honestly, but something about the distance makes it fiercer and wilder. The thing is, she’s always known her feelings about Kara were something a little more. But in her office there was always something to do, in National City there was always a crisis or something to work on. If she didn’t want to think about it she didn’t have to, and back then she didn’t.

But now she is really and truly alone for the first time, because although she’s spent so much time _by herself_ it’s not the same thing, is it? Being by herself meant she didn’t have plans on weekends and that she could extend her work hours without anyone calling about her whereabouts. Being alone meant this, meant no one knew where she was. Meant that she could curl up with her tea or take a rambling walk in a field or dip her feet in the stream on the edge of her property and no one would have to hear about it. Being alone was pleasant, cathartic. It felt like she was starting to know herself in a new way. She’d always had interests and time in her head but now that it’s multiplied tenfold everything gets bigger. 

It’s also like there is a magnifying glass over her relationship with Kara, over every interaction and every little stomach swoop. And now she finally puts down her paperwork, trudges over to the edges of her mind, and looks through it.

What she sees doesn’t shock her. She loves Kara, and it makes sense. Of course she does. She’d always been drawn to good things and Kara, despite her mistakes and the cuts she’d thrown at Lena, is one of the goodest. Most good. She isn’t sure, and letting herself turn off her brain for a second makes her smile.

Maybe this is what it feels like to exist for yourself, she thinks, and it’s appealing for the first time ever. She can just be here and know how she feels about Kara. And she can have her anger too because she is angry, so angry, but maybe this place will be there for her if she lets it. 

She had bought the property by complete chance. She’d arrived and had been so struck by all the little places, all the things that look so much smaller in the daylight of adulthood. But the little flowers in the graveyard are the same and the twinkly little lights on the edge of a sloping hill at night are the same and it feels like stepping into a hug. 

Before she dove headfirst into her past, though, she’d needed a place to stay. She’d checked into the little hotel for three nights as she’d looked around, talked with a few people. There were a few open houses, she’d learned, because people kept moving to the city. The man who’d told her this had looked very bitter at the prospect but had brightened when Lena said she’d pay whatever it took to get the best one. He’d taken her up a winding hill and she’d fallen in love with the place, a wooden house with painted red boards and a wide yard. There were woods on the side and they went pretty far, she’d learned, and the property stretched down the hill again. She’d bought the place the same day, because what was money for if not to spend on houses like that one?

The house was furnished, thankfully, and Lena spent a few days picking up little candles and vases and puzzles. Her first night in her new home was spent with Tracy Chapman playing over the little bluetooth speaker she’d gotten in town, her new puzzle spread over the coffee table, and a vanilla cake in the oven.

Now she’d been there a few weeks. It was lovely and perfect and she was so conflicted because half of her time was spent wishing Kara was there and the other half was meant being glad she was alone for once. She missed Kara every minute, though, and for the first time she let herself lean into it. Forgiveness was about acceptance, she was pretty sure, and she could accept her very real anger at Kara and her love all at once. It was possible, Lena knew, because she was doing it.

She bought loose jeans. She stopped straightening her hair. She kept the lipstick for outings, though, because it was a signature look. And a good one, if she did say so herself. 

She takes a bus to an old castle. It’s a small one and she doesn’t actually go inside on the tour, just lingers by the furthest gate and traces her finger over some bark. She finds herself slipping into her childhood self, dreaming about gold lined hands and crowns and royals, a banquet where there were deep green gowns shot through with silver. Another life in another time. If she was there, she realizes, she’d want Kara with her. Out of instinct she tries to push the thought back but stops herself this time, listens to it. 

It’s when she gets home from that trip that she slips for the first time. Her phone is charged and ready but she’s deleted any and all messaging apps, been on silent and do not disturb. 

Now she lingers over the edges of her screen and taps on the Instagram icon. She’d tried to come up with a reason for keeping the sole social app that didn’t have to do with Kara but eventually resigned herself to it. She hadn’t opened it, though. 

Now she does, flicking through the menu. She has one of those branded official accounts that celebrities sometimes have but had refused to let someone else post for her. She had a social media and PR consultant, sure, but what was the point in misleading people?

She posted L-Corp things, mostly, fundraisers for local organizations and the occasional photo at a gala. It was as far from an Instagram as one could get, really, with comments turned off and short captions. But she did use it, and she did curate her own list of people to follow. It was large but mostly consisted of business partners and celebrities, but her friends were there. Kara was there. 

Briefly hating herself for it, she clicks on Kara’s account.

It’s got a new post that she quickly scrolls past. She wants to lead herself up to it, treat herself in a moment’s time. Kara’s new beam couldn’t jump on her yet.

She busies herself with old photos, with shots of her food that Nia had tried Kara to stop posting (“It isn’t cool anymore, Kara, I can help you. Let me help you, please,”) and a sweet picture of Kara, Alex, Kelly, and Eliza in front of a snowy window somewhere. She lets her eyes gloss over her favorite one, Kara in a soft pale yellow button down smiling widely in front of some looming sunflowers. 

The new photo hits her in the stomach. 

Kara looks beautiful as usual. She’s curled up on the couch in her apartment and Lena lets her heart smile down at the photo because Kara’s got a cute little smile on her face. It relieves Lena for a minute that Kara seems to be relatively okay without her. The thing is, with all this magnifying glass looking, Lena has realized that she can now know Kara misses her. She knows Kara is thinking about her and is sure that she hasn’t forgotten about Lena, isn’t thrilled she’s gone, isn’t rejoicing that her burden is gone. This is something she absolutely would have assumed a few years ago, she’s recognizing, and maybe the old Lena has quieted herself. She can accept that Kara is happy and accept that Kara is sad she’s gone and that’s okay, she’s realized, because emotions are complicated. People are complicated. 

The stomach hitting part of the photo is curled next to Kara, his arm around her shoulders. @william_dey, the tag proclaims, and Lena feels something horrible surge in her stomach. She clicks on the account. 

William’s feed is the exact type of stupid shit Lena would’ve expected, and this is not to say she hates William at first sight. She doesn’t know the man. But he is curled up with Kara and has no idea how lucky he is and anyone who captions their oddly filtered selfies “daily grind” with two fist emojis needs to know how uncool that is, right? Even Lena knows that. 

Liked by @karadanverss, she sees, and it makes her teeth clench again. 

Jack had teased her once when she’d watched Andrea turn up to a business mingle with a new boyfriend on her arm. “You’re jealous,” he’d gloated, “I can’t believe this, Lena Luthor is jealous of that velvet suited man!” She’d blushed, shoved him, hissed at him to shut up. 

This was the same, the same pit in her stomach, the same strange urge to shake some sense into everyone around her. Except, because it was Kara, of course this is worse.

She is completely aware of how ridiculous it is to scroll through William’s whole account and scoff at every picture but she does it anyway. Kara has commented on two of the more recent ones, just little fire emojis. She felt briefly satisfied, that was basically nothing. 

But the sick feeling came back when she saw William with his arm around Kara. She could see Brainy in the far background, so at least it wasn’t a one on one interaction. Game night, probably. 

She’s not jealous, because that would be unfair. Kara is allowed to do whatever she wants, hang out with whoever she wants, and if she wants to spend time with a person like that who is Lena to stop her? She wonders briefly if Kara’s aware that William is absolutely into her and will probably be gearing himself up to ask her out on a date but she pushes that thought away. That was one of the ideas she didn’t really need to accept. 

She lets herself scoff some more about William Dey and Alex’s very poor judgement in who she encouraged her sister to hang around with before falling asleep on her couch.

-

The next day is an odd one. She has lunch starting in the oven when she curls up in her red chair, opening the tiny collection of DVDs she’s purchased at the secondhand bookstore and selecting _Casablanca_. She loves that movie and so does Kara, always cooing at the romantic lines and turning to Lena with a big grin on her face. “I don’t care what anyone says, it’s better than _Titanic_ because at least no one _dies_ , Lena. Admit it.”

That’s what she’s watching when she hears a branch crack. She whirls around more out of shock than surprise, it wouldn’t be unusual near some old woods like these to have some dead trees. Maybe she should look into getting her trees trimmed. 

That’s when she sees it, a flash of pink. Which is absolutely weird. It was too large to be a bird, and what in the woods is that shade of pastel pink anyway? She squints into the trees, straining.

She sees what looks like a shoulder. So it’s a person, evidently. But then everything crashes into place. The shoulder is hovering at least fifteen feet above the leafy ground. 

_Oh._

Her heart feels like it’s beating out of her chest, trying to get closer to the shoulder, to Kara. She walks with it, drawn to the window, and that’s when she sees a quick blur and then everything is still again.

She’s so angry. 

But she’s so tired too, and she really just misses Kara. Misses her best friend, the person who’d listen to her talk about anything from irritating executives to her opinions on the best sitcom couple. Kara, who wore button downs and a super suit and who was one and the same person in both outfits. Kara, who Lena was starting to understand a little better. 

-

She’s started a garden. She’s planted four new bushes in the backyard. She’s reconnected with her childhood neighbor, and has talked to just about every person she can remember knowing as a child about her mother. She feels her here too, more than ever, and three separate people have given Lena photos they had lying about. She’s even gotten to look through a yearbook. Class of 1983. Her mother is there, beaming out of a page with a little black collar and beaded necklace. She looks just like Lena, looks so familiar here. She’s exchanged phone numbers with a handful of people and meets Mr. Maoilir for dinner once a week. 

Kara comes back on a Tuesday. It’s a chilly day, sun falling back through the sky in the late afternoon. Lena has dinner cooking inside and four new bushes to plant. She is humming along to some nondescript strains of a nineties song playing faintly from her speaker, one of the soft ones that Kara pretends to like for her sake, when she hears a faint cough behind her. 

She shouldn’t even be surprised to see Kara there, she _isn’t_ , but it is a little disconcerting to see Kara dressed the way she is. Judging by her windswept hair she’s flown over but she’s wearing a faded button down. Her glasses are nowhere in sight, though, and Lena recognizes the figure in front of her as not quite Kara Danvers and not quite Supergirl. She hasn’t really met this side of Kara yet.

“I like the garden,” Kara says, and her voice is soft. She’s biting her lip and twisting the sides of her shirt sleeves and she looks very nervous all of a sudden. Lena wills herself not to be endeared. 

“Hello again, Kara. What were you doing in the woods?”

Kara deflates but looks a little relieved. “So you did see me. I thought you probably had.”

Lena just raises an eyebrow before turning back to her shovel. The bushes aren’t going to plant themselves, after all, and she still needs to pick some of her parsley before it gets dark. She feels Kara’s eyes on her for a moment. 

“Um, I actually came to apologize. Even if you hadn’t seen me, it was really creepy and I just… I don’t know. I was worried about you but there were definitely better ways to make sure you were okay and, well, yeah. That’s all.”

Lena lets it sit for a moment before turning to Kara and nodding. “Okay. Thank you.”

Kara’s eyes widen a bit and there’s a tiny outline of a smile on her lips that wouldn’t be visible to the average bystander. Lena isn’t that, though, and the thought makes her feel a little sick.

“Well, um. I guess I’ll get going now?” Kara’s voice ends on a strange note and Lena sighs, steels herself, then looks up to meet Kara’s eyes. 

They are so blue. Right now they look a little lost, a little worried. Kara is still biting on her lip and Lena feels a strange rush of desperate affection.

But she doesn’t say anything and Kara gives her a twitchy polite smile and turns. She makes it halfway back to the start of the hill when Lena’s thoughts catch up to her. 

_If she goes now who knows when she’ll be back? Is it really worth it?_

She recognizes something new in herself, something standing up and taking the stage. While the time so far in Ireland has been to reacquaint herself with, well, _herself_ , this is a turning point. This is when she starts to work herself into forgiveness. 

“Kara?” She hears herself calling out before she can process it and when Kara turns back with a questioning expression on her face and pink cheeks and big eyes Lena can’t help herself. 

“I have some weeds that need to be pulled, if you wanted to help.”

Kara’s eyes widen further and there is a subtle look in her eye. “Are you sure?”

Lena nods slowly and Kara takes a step back. “Okay. Okay, sure.”

(She ducks her head then but not before Lena sees her beam, just briefly, just before she can stifle it. It’s brilliant, blinding. Lena’s missed that beam.)

They don’t do much talking. Lena shows her the weeds that need to go, gesturing to a few places where she plans to add flowers. Kara is diligent, pulling with concentration etched onto her features. Lena keeps digging and so what if she sneaks glances at Kara, she’s unbuttoned the top three buttons of her shirt and it’s ridiculous, Kara can’t even overheat, but Lena is not one to complain. Kara’s collarbone is accentuated and cutting and Lena can even see her arms flex as she works and maybe she’s being ridiculous but she’s been a little Kara-deprived, okay? She’s allowed to look.

All in all it’s a short visit. Lena isn’t ready to have the whole post-fight talk yet and Kara isn’t pushing her, just folds up her gardening gloves when it starts to get dark and thanks Lena with a polite little smile. 

Lena makes her decision then. If she’s going to forgive Kara, if they’re going to get past the months apart and the fight and the Leviathan related chaos and the _other_ months apart they’re going to have to work towards it. So Kara turns to go and Lena works herself up to calling out once again.

“And if you wanted to come again that would be fine too.”

Kara doesn’t turn this time. “Next Tuesday?”

“That works.”

“I’ll see you then, Lena,” Kara says and she turns then as her suit resets itself, her hair tousled and her chin pointed. She nods, just once, and Lena nods back. Kara takes off into the pink and orange clouds right as Lena hears the oven go off from inside the house. She allows herself a final gaze up before she goes back indoors to finish off her night. 

-

The next week goes by relatively quickly. On Tuesday morning she makes a stop at the general store and buys three packages of those little shortbread biscuits. 

Kara comes by around two and this time her smile is a little wider. It warms Lena from the inside, and Kara only brightens further when Lena invites her onto the porch. 

“I have iced tea, if you want some,” she offers hesitantly after Kara settles herself in one of the wooden rocking chairs, kicking her heels twice because Kara Danvers would never sit in a moving chair without utilizing all of its qualities. It’s oddly endearing. 

Kara smiles so softly at her. “That would be lovely. Thank you, Lena.”

Her head buzzes a little as she goes inside, she feels like the fuzzy outlines of being barely drunk because when she glances out her window there is a blonde head staring intently at its feet, which are trying to walk the chair as far back as it can go on its rocker. 

She gets out jars and a plate, pours the iced tea and adds little spoons because they’re fancy looking and Kara’s always loved fancy looking meals. On the plate she stacks some of the biscuits, leaving more than half of the box on the counter. 

With the jars and plate in her hands she can’t quite get the door handle. She attempts to slide her hip out but it sort of bumps the door and suddenly Kara is standing, opening the door, taking both cups from her arms and helping her down the single step back onto her porch. It’s chivalrous, almost, and Kara is peering at her to make sure she sits down in her chair okay which is kind of overkill. But Lena isn’t going to resist it. If Kara wants to practically dote on her, who is she to resist it?

Lena takes a sip of her tea first to signal to Kara that it’s okay to do so and Kara relaxes, gazes out at the faint outlines of the town that are visible from their place on the hill. 

They sit in silence for almost ten minutes which is honestly shocking on Kara’s part, and she is the one to break the silence. “So,” she says, swallowing a biscuit, “this is the place?”

She’s talking about Lena’s mother, talking about Lena’s childhood, and Lena softens a little at Kara’s wide eyes. “Yeah,” she says, “this is definitely it.”

“It’s really beautiful.” Kara says it so sincerely, sounding a little wonderstruck, and despite her hesitant approach to this whole thing Lena finds herself smiling, actually smiling, through a wave of powerful love. Kara glances over at her and looks a little surprised at Lena’s open fondness, letting a hesitant smile shine through herself. 

“I’ve talked to some people,” Lena says once she turns away, “a lot of people remember her. And me, even, which is just… crazy, really. But I saw her high school yearbook and she looks like me and I just… I feel like I shouldn’t miss her, I barely knew her, right?”

She didn’t mean to open up so quickly but there’s something about Kara that does it to her. They’ve barely been talking two minutes and already she’s pretending nothing else exists and pouring her heart out to Kara again. 

And she still answers.

Kara furrows her brow, tilts her head. “I think you’re allowed to miss anyone you want. It doesn’t matter who you were when you lost them or how anyone else feels about it. If you miss her you miss her, and that’s okay.”

Lena nods, finds herself wishing she was closer to Kara but remembering _not yet_. She wasn’t quite ready.

Kara stirs her iced tea, spoon tingling and liquid spinning. She glances at the plate with a single biscuit left on it then looks away, then looks back again hesitantly. Years of knowing Kara and sharing food with Kara means Lena knows exactly what is going on here— Kara is trying to be strong and hold herself back from taking Lena’s last cookie because she doesn’t want to be rude, and keeping Kara away from food for whatever reason is a strong feat. It leaves a little spark in her chest.

“You can take it, Kara, I have more inside. Do you want me to get them?”

That’s when Kara looks up at her with the full force of her eyes and it feels like Lena’s been punched in the stomach because Kara’s looking at her like she’s just done something mesmerizing, like she’s accomplished some wild feat or made Kara’s entire month. It’s bizarre, it’s out of character, and Lena forces herself to remember where she is. They were still working up to apologies. They were still getting there, leaning over two rocking chair armrests to kiss Kara would be completely inappropriate, she shouldn’t, she _can’t_. 

“Are you sure?”

Maybe it isn’t only about the biscuits anymore, Lena recognizes, and she takes a second to examine Kara once again. “I don’t mind,” she says, and Kara smiles again as she starts to nibble on the side of the biscuit. 

_Interesting_.

A few minutes pass and Lena listens to the faint rush of cars at the base of the hill. Kara stirs her iced tea again and the cubes clink along the edges of the jar. It would be mildly annoying, _should_ be, but there’s something calming about just existing in Kara’s presence like this. It feels normal, feels okay, even when she can process that Kara is building up to a bombshell. 

Then Kara lets out a little sigh, faces the woods as she speaks. “I don’t hate you, you know. Not even a little bit.”

Lena hesitates, gazes back at Kara with her brow knit. It takes a second but Kara turns back to her, raises her eyebrows. “I don’t. I wish you didn’t think that and when you said it I was just so… because I don’t hate you and I didn’t want you to stay away from me. Well, you wanted to and I’m totally okay with that, I’m so okay with it! But I never wanted you to think…” she cuts herself off, sounding almost choked up. 

It’s strange to consider. After the gardening and now this she isn’t sure she really thought Kara did hate her, not anymore at least, but hearing Kara say it out loud is just so _odd_. It means Kara has thought about what she said that night, means maybe Kara has spent similar days draped over her couch worrying about what Lena was doing at that very moment. It implies that Kara is here for the same reason Lena is, that she wants to bury the hatchet again. Because they had done that, had made up and worked together and forgiven, but the wound hadn’t quite healed. Not quite.

“I know,” is all she says, and it’s enough.

She packs Kara a ziploc of biscuits for the road and while she’s tempted to slide them into Kara’s suit she resigns herself to extending her hand. Kara’s fingers do brush hers, though, which is briefly overwhelming. She inhales audibly and Kara glances up swiftly like she’s trying to track what’s wrong. When she sees the placement of her hand she starts with an odd expression, takes the bag and gives Lena an awkward little nod.

“There’s a pizza place in town,” Lena hears herself saying, “I could pick some up for next Tuesday?”

There it is. Kara is absolutely beaming at her, a crumb of biscuit stuck beside her mouth and her eyes crinkled to fit her smile. 

“That sounds amazing. Thank you, Lena.”

Lena just nods. Screw one olive branch at a time, she thinks to herself, if she can make Kara beam like that again she’d be tempted to bypass all the hard conversations coming up and just forgive everything then and there.

-

Lena picks up three pizzas because she will eat precisely two slices and Kara will eat two whole pizzas, hesitate, ask if she can try Lena’s, and then finish that one too. It’s how it always goes.

The couple who own the pizza place knew her mother, as most people in town did, and they fawned over Lena as she waited. “She looks the spitting image of her, doesn’t she?” she hears, and Lena blushes. It’s nice to think she could embody a part of her, no matter how small. It’s nice to think that she’s in her mother’s town looking the way she did and stitching together tiny pieces of who she was, trying to figure it out. She would’ve loved Kara, Lena decides then and there, and she nods to herself. It’s true.

She picks up her pizzas and walks back up the hill in the fading light. She’s visited her mother’s friends and her grave, she has a small collection of photos of her now, she’s learning to trace her edges like any other daughter would. Her favorite photo of her, at this point, is one of her mother squinty smiling in front of the castle, Lena’s castle. It’s easy then to picture her as royalty, the lost queen who left Lena to rule the kingdom on her own. Well, not all on her own, maybe not anymore. 

Lena was becoming more and more content with being alone and somehow it seemed to be seeping out into the rest of her life in odd ways. Kara’s presence back in National City had been a lifeline but sometimes she didn’t quite know how to process it. Now she felt content, whole with just herself. Kara was a welcome extension, perhaps. 

It’s becoming more and more true, she realizes as she reaches the top of the hill and sees Kara waiting and bent over in her garden, squinting at some plants and murmuring to them. She feels a now familiar rush of affection, rerouting her path to hit the stepping stones so Kara will hear her coming. She does, and she looks up and smiles softly as she says Lena’s name and maybe it’s time they finally talk.

“Hi,” Lena replies, “do you want to eat inside?” 

Kara nods slowly like she’s assessing what she’s allowed to do and take. She follows Lena inside and pulls her boots off by the door, gazing around with wide eyes and a slightly awestruck expression. Lena almost feels self conscious but this is Kara, she’s pretty sure she isn’t judging.

She’s proven right. “This place is incredible,” Kara gushes loudly before she seems to remember herself. She quiets and takes a little step away from Lena but the awe is the same, so Lena doesn’t mind. “It’s so rustic. Is that the word? And really pretty. It suits you.”

Lena blushes. Kara seems to think over her words and then she turns a fiery red, steps further back from Lena. “I mean, um…”

Lena just smirks at her, walking across the room to set the pizzas on the table. Kara trails after her and sits awkwardly in one of the chairs. Lena sits across from her.

“Um, do you want to talk? About our fight, I mean,” Lena asks. Kara looks up caught somewhere between relief and dread.

“Yeah. Do you need me to set the table?”

When the plates are laid out and Kara is sitting expectantly in her seat again Lena takes a calming breath. “Look, Kara, I really want things to be like they were before. I miss my best friend.”

“Me too,” Kara says through a rush of air, “I’ve missed you so much.”

“I think I just felt betrayed. It’s not because of who you are, because who you are is so incredible, really. It was that I was having lunch with my best friend Kara and then having a meeting with Supergirl and you knew and I didn’t and _everyone_ thought I couldn’t be trusted because of it.”

Kara looks wrecked already and oh, this is going to be more painful than Lena thought. She takes a little gasp of air, brow crinkled, and nods. “Lena, I am so sorry.”

“I understand that, Kara. That’s what hurt me the most about it all, because I thought I knew you and I didn’t.”

“You did, I swear.”

Lena just shrugs sadly and Kara’s face falls even more. She clears her throat.

“I’m just… so sorry. I haven’t said it enough. When I first told you I was Supergirl I felt so guilty but then I convinced myself that I was in the right and I had such a disregard for your emotions especially after we took down Leviathan and I just… I’m so sorry. And I’m so sorry that I forgave you but didn’t treat you the same, and I’m sorry I was so rude to you about inviting you with us, and I’m sorry that I deceived you for so many years and I… I just—,” Kara cuts herself off with a trembling lip. She looks at Lena once before she starts to cry, soft sad tears that make Lena’s heart break a little bit. 

She thinks about it for a moment before she acts. After all, she is trying to forgive and Kara really is sorry, she knows it. Kara Danvers may have lied to her but she would also never lie like this, would never sit with Lena over pizza in the little home Lena only trusted her with and break her heart even more. So Lena reaches out and takes Kara’s hand, rubs her forearm, tries to meet Kara’s eyes. 

“Kara, hey. It’s okay, alright? It’s okay.”

“It’s not, Lena, I was so horrible to you. I— and you can never—,” Kara hiccups.

“Listen, I don’t know why you didn’t tell me you were Supergirl earlier. You say it was to protect me and maybe that was true but I just don’t think that’s the only reason, or you wouldn’t be as open as you are with everyone around you, okay? So I don’t know, but I do know that the only reason you’re here and talking to me at all is because we’re both willing to work through this. I’m still a little angry at you but that doesn’t mean I’m giving up, right?”

Kara nods.

Lena waits. She lets Kara take deep breaths and takes a few of her own. They’ve only really covered the basics but Lena knows Kara and knows when she’s overwhelmed and judging by this they’re going to have to stop soon. She’s okay with that.

“O-okay. Yeah,” Kara murmurs, turning back to Lena after a few minutes. “Um, I just wanted to apologize for something else? I’m really sorry I didn’t invite you to game night.”

Lena bites her lip. “And that I forgive you for.”

“Simple as that?”

“Simple as that,” Lena replies.

Kara looks at her with such awe in that moment that Lena feels like maybe there is a real chance here. Maybe they can be friends again, maybe Lena can go back to when her biggest problem in this relationship was pretending she wasn’t in love with Kara through every movie night and lunch date. 

Lena takes a bite of her pizza and suddenly Kara’s stomach growls loudly and the moment is gone, just for a second. “Eat,” Lena says, and Kara smiles faintly and does. She plows through two whole pizzas before gazing intently at the third box just like Lena knew she would and yeah, not much has changed. They are still the same, even through it all, and Lena has always believed in them. Kara and Lena, they got through anything together. 

Kara helps her wash the dishes and clean up the table after they eat. It’s quiet but it feels together again, in some strange way. 

Before Kara leaves she whispers another reverent “I’m sorry,” and Lena echoes it, thinking of all the moments she stood by Lex in those months, of all the moments she distanced herself from Kara, of all the moments she did things just to hurt. 

The funny thing about forgiveness, Lena thinks as she crawls into bed early that night, is that it will wait. It will accept the parts it can and dwell on the others and in the end there is something beautiful in its place, the pearl after the sand of the rift. 

She falls asleep thinking about next Tuesday.

~ _Kara_ ~

She’s seen Lena three times now. 

Alex had been there after the first two, letting Kara explain them in extreme detail. “She let me have as much food as I wanted to, Alex, and she smiled at me a bunch and I just really hope we can figure something out, you know?”

And Alex had smiled and teased her about being in love and Kara had fired back with some comment on Kelly’s mysterious ability to always win at Mario Kart but only when she played Alex and the night had devolved into pillow fights. 

Now she called Alex from her bed. 

“We finally talked about it,” she said, and her voice trembled. 

“And?”

“Um, well, she said she forgave me for being so horrible about game night. She said she still didn’t understand why I didn’t tell her I was Supergirl but that it was okay because we were going to work through it all. Which is good. Really, really good.”

“It is good. So why do you sound so sad?”

“I just… I hurt her so bad, Alex. I was so selfish. And then she said she didn’t know why I didn't tell her earlier and I realized I didn’t know either. Like, I justified it to myself, I said it was about protection, but I don't think that’s it. She’s different, Alex. She’s not like everyone else.”

“Because you love her.”

“Yeah, I really do,” Kara says before breaking down for the second time that night.

Alex lets her cry it out. She soothes her through the phone and makes Kara regulate her breathing and when she is finally feeling stable again she lets Alex know.

“Do you want my honest advice? It’s going to sound a little crazy.”

“Yes, Alex, please,” Kara says, sitting up in bed and ready. 

“Okay. You’re gonna make fun of me.”

“I am not. Why would I do that? I’m the one sobbing.”

“Because you’re going to finally realize that I’m secretly a hopeless romantic and a sap and my reputation will be ruined.”

“Please, your reputation was ruined a long time ago. Tell me, Alex,” Kara whines, pouting even though she knows her sister won’t be able to see her.

“Okay. Um, I think you should go to Ireland.”

“What do you mean?” Kara asks, “I was just there. I’m going back on Tuesday.”

“No, I mean like… you should stay in Ireland for a while. There’s a hotel in that town, right?”

“There’s an inn,” Kara says slowly.

“I think you should go. I think you should book a room. And I think you should tell Lena you’re going to fight for her. And then she’ll know that you love her and she can figure out if that’s something she would want. But either way you’d show her you care, and you can be there for her, and you can treat her better than you did before.”

Kara is silent for a moment, contemplating. She _does_ want Lena to understand the full extent of things she’d do for her, does want to prove to her that she is sorry. And she’s so, so in love, so much more than ever before, and maybe Lena would be able to see it. Maybe she could even fall in love with Kara. She couldn’t get her hopes up, sure, but… well, maybe.

“What about Supergirl? I have vacation days saved up for CatCo but—,”

“If there’s a big emergency you can fly back. And I’m pretty sure Dreamer’s up for the smaller stuff.”

“Alex.”

“Kara.”

“This could actually work.”

“It could.”

“Oh my god, I’m going to Ireland.”

“You’re going to Ireland!”

-

Kara checks into the inn that Sunday. She wastes time for a few hours, nerves getting the better of her, but eventually she makes a stop at the general store again. 

“Hi,” she says to the woman behind the counter, “do you have any seashells?”

“You’re the girl who was here looking for Lena,” the woman says instead of an answer, and Kara nods slowly.

“Uh, yeah. I’m looking for a present for her?”

“Are you the girl she’s running away from?”

“Running… did she say that?” Kara says, a little hurt.

“Didn’t have to.”

This woman, Kara is coming to realize, is staunchly committed to Team Lena. So is she, though, so she’s feeling okay about this now. “I really hurt her,” she tells the woman, “I’m trying to make it right. And so I’m trying to find her some gifts that say that I’m sorry, you wouldn’t happen to have anything, would you?”

The woman still looks suspicious but points Kara in the direction of a box of rocks and shells. She lets her hands run through them, selects a larger one, orange and brown twists in little circles on its polished surface. It reminds her, strangely, of the twist of Lena’s smile when they used to stay out late after Game Night, her lips when they’re a little drunk and her gaze when it’s unguarded. This is the one. 

Kara pays and sets up the hill again, realizing that in the short time Lena’s been here she’s managed to rally a little team in her favor. She’s glad, it’s important. And if anyone deserves such determined support it’s Lena.

She knocks on Lena’s red door somewhat nervously. This is a lot to spring on a person, after all. But Lena opens the door and looks surprised but genuinely pleased to see Kara and it gives her a boost of confidence.

“I got you something,” she says, pulling the seashell out of her coat pocket, “I was remembering all the shells you have on your shelves at home and I thought of you when I saw this and I just wanted you to have it.”

“It’s beautiful,” Lena says, smiling as she traces the patterns before looking up, “But, well, what are you doing here, Kara?”

“Um, I’m currently, uh, residing here?” She cringes at herself, “I’m at, um, the inn. So…”

“Okay,” Lena says slowly, “Why?”

Kara takes a deep breath. “I just… I talked to Alex about how happy I was that you were giving me a second chance and it made me realize that I never appreciated you enough. I mean, sure, when we were friends I tried to, but always as Kara. Supergirl was sometimes so dismissive of you and you never deserved it and I’m just… well, I’m so sorry about so many things and I’m here to show you that I’m going to fight for you? I… I’m going to try to prove to you how sorry I am and how important you are to me and I’ll fight for you, Lena, because you’re the best thing I have and I’m just so sorry. Is that okay?”

Lena looks thoroughly puzzled, brows knitting together and teeth worrying her lip. She gazes down at the seashell and back up at Kara and suddenly she’s smiling. 

“That is definitely okay.”

-

She stops by Lena’s place every day after that. And they’ve gotten better. 

They talked through the fight until neither of them tear up about it, until they can casually say that they regret it. They watch a movie four feet apart on the couch and that’s further than they ever are on couches. They watch another movie and sit two feet apart. They eat ice cream. And Kara is happy, so happy. She keeps Alex updated with excited messages when Lena steps away to get tea or go to the bathroom. 

Kara comes back on Tuesday as planned, but due to the whole being-five-minutes-away thing she’s able to stock up on things for Lena. When she’s finally outside the house she sort of headbutts the door instead of knocking, careful not to dislodge the array of things in her arms and the one bag of chocolates hanging from her teeth. 

Lena opens the door and she’s got a sort of fond, anticipating look on her face. It cracks when she actually looks down at Kara, hunched over with jars pressed into her chest and teeth clenched. Lena laughs loudly and Kara looks up wide eyed at the sound before grinning slowly. It’s new, or at least she hasn’t heard it in a long time. She’s missed Lena’s laugh, the loud and unabashed one she let out on rare occasions. Rare occasions that, Nia and Kelly had once cornered her to explain, usually involved Kara. She’d brushed it off then but now that they were trying again there is that lingering possibility, and that sweet care in Lena’s eyes, and the way she reaches out to help Kara. _Maybe_.

“Here, let me get some of that,” she says. Kara lets her, relaxing her forearms around the pile she was gripping and letting the chocolates fall into her hand. 

“Thank you,” she sighs, and Lena giggles, nose scrunching up adorably. She starts to walk inside and Kara is still sort of stuck there, thinking about Lena’s little grins and the almost-snort she sometimes does when something’s cute and she must be smiling like a dork but Lena’s just really sweet, okay?

“Are you coming?” Lena is looking at her, eyebrow raised, an amused smirk playing on her lips.

“What? Yeah, of course! Sorry, got distracted.”

“Distracted, huh?” Lena says, but she says it at the precise moment she leans over Kara to shut the door behind her and her— _chest_ is kind of _right there_. Kara gulps. Lena smirks again. This is apparently a thing they are doing now, she guesses.

Kara, despite all the cool replies in her head and the bursting little Lena-possibly-finds-you-not-totally-unattractive that’s replaying in her head, stumbles over her words and feet. She coughs and crinkles her brow and Lena just laughs so softly again and fuck, she just keeps embarrassing herself, doesn’t she?

In response to Kara’s brief coughing fit Lena looks at her tenderly and asks if she wants to show her what she’s brought. Thank god for this woman, Kara thinks as she nods and helps Lena lay everything out on her table, because she always knows just how to tease Kara and just when to stop. She knows when Kara’s happy and sad and overwhelmed and she’ll always account for it, always has and always will change the subject when Kara gets too red or touches her arm lightly whenever she’s clenching her jaw to someone else’s talking. Lena just… gets her. More than most people. She’s reaching, like, Alex level. Which is quite a feat, but no feat is too small for Lena Luthor.

And now Lena lays a tentative arm on Kara’s shoulder to pull her back to reality and she nods. “Okay, yeah. So, I brought you some of those peppermint chocolate squares you like, the ones shaped like snowmen? And I know it’s not cold. Or snowy. Or winter. But they’re cute and I know you like how they’re split in the middle, so… oh, and I got you two candles too from that little local art place. I’m pretty sure the owner knows you pretty well because I was talking about you, kinda, and then she was saying I must be… your girl. Which was,” Kara shakes her head, turning pink, “Um, _anyway_. Some grape jam, even though I still don’t understand how you could possibly prefer grape to strawberry. It’s honestly kind of concerning, Lena. And then I picked up this old Game of LIFE from the used bookstore,” she trails off tentatively, bites a lip, “I was thinking maybe we could play? Only if you wanted to, of course. But you could keep the game either way! I mean, you don’t have to play with me, of course. It’s your game, after all.” She finally stops herself. Damn it.

Lena just stares at her, amused. “Don’t be silly, Kara. Why don’t you set it up here?”

“Really?”

“Of course. But hit me with a lawsuit and I will not hesitate to ban you from _my_ game.”

“That’s not fair, what if I have no choice? You’re the only other person here!”

“You’ll be _banned_ ,” Lena says, smiling at Kara’s indignant pout. “Set it up, darling.”

Fuck.

Lena upcaps the candle and Kara watches her as she sifts through the pastel money. “Mm,” she hums, “blackberry?”

“Blackberry cinnamon,” Kara says, smiling softly at Lena’s breathy inhales. Her eyes are shut and her hair is kind of wispy and Kara wishes she could take a picture, live in that moment, savor the heartbeat where Lena looks so content and is in her presence and is happy again.

“What’s this one?” Lena says, then, and Kara breaks out. 

“Pineapple vanilla. It sounds so strange but I was smelling them down at the store and it just smelled so good, and it kind of reminded me of that one gelato you used to get? From that place on Fifth Street?”

Lena hums again, smiles. “So,” she says after a moment, helping Kara straighten the game board, “my girl, huh?”

Kara is pretty sure she’s never turned bright red faster in her life. She really couldn’t get a word out if she tries but she sort of chokes in her attempt, trying to swallow around her heart, which has recently taken up residence in her throat. Lena stifles another smirk ( _another_ one) and pats Kara on the back a few times before sliding her a cup of water across the counter.

Kara takes a hasty sip, breathes through her nose a few times, shuts her eyes so she doesn’t have to express her sheer mortification.

“You ready to play?” Lena finally asks and Kara nods quickly. 

(Lena retires first in a little blue car with two pink pegs in the front and two blue in the back. Kara has started to call them Benedict and Gerard and Lena gives her children a fond smile before shuffling them back into the pile. “It was a nice family,” she says softly. Kara is prepared then and there to give Lena everything she’s ever wanted, to go punch everyone who’s ever hurt her in any way, to beat herself up again for everything she’s done. She doesn’t, though, just pours Lena a cup of hot chocolate, arranges the marshmallows into a little smiley face, and watches as Lena smiles until the drink touches her lips.)

-

On Thursday she brings Lena more snowman chocolates and a stack of books. She fidgets as Lena opens the covers curiously, knows Lena loves secondhand books and always tries to find any clues about whoever had them before her. She’s bought a Virginia Woolf, two Jane Austens, and a fancy Sylvia Plath poetry anthology. She knows Lena’s read them all already. She also knows that sometimes Lena likes it better that way.

“Thank you,” Lena says with a little gleam in her eyes after Kara’s showed her shyly, “Um, I actually didn’t have physical copies of the Plath or the Woolf ones. And the Austens I own are those ones with the shitty film adaptation covers. I love these, Kara.”

Lena’s ducking her head and is kind of pink. Kara can’t blame her, she’s also looking resolutely away. 

“Um,” Lena says again, “do you maybe want to stay over tonight? We could watch some movies if you want, and I have an extra bed. Only if you wanted to, though, you absolutely don’t have to say yes, I just–,”

She just wanted to thank her, Kara realizes. This is how Lena reminds her how much she cares, this is how she tells Kara that the whole ‘fighting for Lena’ thing is going well and that she’s trying to fight for Kara too and everything’s just going so perfectly. 

“Yeah,” she says, “yeah, I’d love that.”

Lena beams then and Kara subtly shuts her phone off. It’s selfish, sure, but she really doesn’t want to hear about any emergencies right now. J’onn and Nia can deal with them, Brainy can help, even, everyone is okay without her for one night. If they really need her, she thinks as she follows Lena to the TV, J’onn can fly over and get her. It’s fine. They need this.

“We can watch anything you want,” Lena’s saying, and usually Kara would protest but this is more of Lena showing she’s thankful, so maybe she can hold off. Also she really wants to watch Harry Potter. 

She pulls the Half Blood Prince DVD off Lena’s shelf and Lena nods knowingly. “Okay, but you have to cover my eyes when those dead things come out of the water, promise?”

“They’re called inferi, Lena,” Kara scoffs, “and yeah, I promise.”

“Duh, I know that,” Lena smiles, clicks the remote until the screen is lighting up with the familiar piracy disclaimer. Kara likes to make pirate noises whenever it shows up to make Lena laugh. She doesn’t this time, though, because she’s going to sit two feet away from Lena again when Lena pats a spot _right_ next to her. 

Kara raises her eyebrows. Lena nods.

And so Kara tentatively curls up next to Lena, who throws a knit blanket over the both of them as the familiar music starts to play.

She’s _missed_ this. It’s been far, far too long since she’s cuddled up with Lena, since they’ve let their limbs blend together. Usually Kara’s uncomfortable under covers and all trapped up with people. Usually, she knows, Lena gets too hot under someone else’s arms. But the usual rules never did seem to apply to them.

Lena and Kara giggle and yell at the screen and soon Kara snuggles closer and closer into Lena who is actually curling up too, resting her head on Kara’s shoulder and it is so lovely Kara almost wants to tear up. (Okay, maybe she does, but Lena doesn’t see and she blinks quickly enough to get the tears wiped away.)

It’s just like coming home in a whole other way. And this last almost-week with Lena has been so much more healing than anything she can remember, recognizing each other’s boundaries and letting them fall naturally. 

Lena makes a content little sound when Kara balances her cheek on Lena’s hair and leans them back into the pillows. Kara echoes it with a little exhale of air.

It’s just _so_ perfect.

~ _Lena_ ~

Kara has been the most incredible and solid and present figure. And she’s brought Lena little gifts and Lena’s stacked them all up carefully next to her bed and she’s let Lena tease her and she’s blushed the same beautiful pinkish red she always used to. So, Lena is realizing, maybe they’re getting back to an almost normal again.

An almost normal with a few twists, though, like how she’s no longer flirting and lying to herself that that’s just how she is with friends. Now she’s doing it and watching Kara blush and then letting her heart reach out desperately, now she’s doing it and knowing the whole time that she’s so, so in love with this woman. And being back to normal would be more than she’d ever hoped to deserve and she _still_ pines for more and feels terrible about it. So.

Ever since Kara slept curled up two rooms over after their Harry Potter night she’s been staying more and more frequently. She’s gotten used to the Kara of the morning, the Kara who gets up early to fly around for a while because she loves to see the sun come up, smiles at it in that way she does that make Lena’s heart clench. The Kara who makes her coffee and picks up pastries from town. The Kara who chatters to her about a butterfly she’d seen and who only stops her rambling when she realizes Lena’s staring, blushes, and falls silent. 

The next Friday she takes Kara to her dinner with Mr. Maoilir, who absolutely loves her because of course he does. They hold a loud conversation about different birds the town bird watching club had seen (who knew Kara knew so much about rare birds, Lena muses, but Kara was passionate about practically everything so really it checked out) and they even talk about Lena for a while. He shows Kara the photos he had lying around of Lena and her mother beaming on the main street. “I take pictures of everyone who passes through,” he explains, then crowds her and Kara against a fading sunset to take a blurry shot with his Polaroid that he promptly pastes right next to the old photo. Kara squeezes her hand through it all.

-

That night she hears some faint bangs in the middle of the night, gets out of bed to investigate. Kara is thrashing around in her blankets in the spare room, brow wrinkled deeply and such a stressed expression taking over her features that Lena can’t resist wandering over, pressing her fingers lightly to Kara’s forehead to soothe her. Kara stills almost immediately, rolling towards Lena.

“Kara?” she whispers, “Are you okay?”

“‘M fine,” Kara mumbles softly, slowly. “C’mere.”

And Lena does, climbs into the bed and lets Kara wrap her up in the comforter and curls into her the way she has on the couch for the past few days. 

She sleeps like the dead, wakes up in Kara’s arms and with their legs all crossed together. She smiles, lets herself fall back asleep. It’s nice this way.

-

She takes Kara to the castle. They make it a whole event, taking the long way and hiking as far as they can. Kara packs a truly obscene amount of snacks and spends most of the trip with her mouth stuffed full of Welch’s Fruit Snacks, but in some very strange way it’s endearing. (Lena is probably losing her edge.)

They do go inside this time because Kara’s there and now it feels right. There’s a tour guide and everything and Kara bounces excitedly along behind her, pointing to practically anything saying, “look, Lena, look!” 

When the tour is over Kara buys a hideous red and black fringed scarf from the makeshift gift shop outside. Lena begs her not to but she doesn’t listen, grinning hugely and draping it around Lena’s shoulders. “There,” she says, “fit for a queen.”

(Lena does _not_ blush. She doesn’t.)

They climb away from the few other tourists, balance on Lena’s old lookout point. Kara leans back on her forearms. Lena rests her head on her stomach.

“I love it here,” Kara sighs, dropping her head back as her ponytail grazes the dirt. Lena feels Kara’s stomach move under her as she speaks, pulls herself back desperately from pressing a kiss to it.

“Me too,” she says instead, resting half her face more securely on Kara and it’s definitely _not_ because her abs are so prominent she can feel them through her sweatshirt. Or, it’s not _only_ that, at least.

“Never wanna leave,” Kara mumbles, “wanna stay here forever with you. We could do it, I think.”

“We can’t,” Lena hums, “we have to go back sometime.”

“Yeah,” Kara sighs, “you’re right. I know you’re right. I’m just…”

“I know,” Lena says, “I know.”

Kara’s arm comes down to trail through the stray hairs around Lena’s ponytail and she feels like a cat as she twists her head, butting into Kara’s hand affectionately. Kara hums.

“You know,” Lena says mildly, “I think I was so upset that William got invited to game night when I didn’t because I wanted to be in his place.”

“Hmm?” Kara says lazily, trailing her hand to the fine hairs on Lena’s neck, “how do you mean?”

Lena’s brain catches up with her. What she means is that she was jealous of William for taking the place on the couch that Kara liked to direct little affectionate looks at, she was upset that Kara had room in her life for him when she could never love again, not really. She was sad because William was a tangible proof that Kara just didn’t feel the same way about her. 

Now, though, she wasn’t so sure. 

“Nothing,” she responds, “just thinking out loud.”

“Yeah,” Kara mumbles, “huh. I hadn’t thought about William in a while.”

Lena bites her lip on a smile. 

“Wanna FaceTime Alex and Kelly later?” she asks.

“Yeah!” Kara says, sitting up suddenly but careful not to jostle Lena’s head. “Yeah, and maybe Nia and Brainy can call in too. They’ve been trying their relationship again, did you know?”

“That’s good,” Lena says, “I miss those two.”

“All three pairs,” Kara says a little dreamily and Lena freezes, wills herself not to think of the connotations of the three pairs consisting of two couples and then _them_. Lena and Kara. (She doesn’t want to get her hopes up too high, not yet.)

“Kara?” she mumbles instead.

“Yeah?” Kara replies (so softly, so so softly). 

“I have the crossword in my bag. Wanna finish the Sunday puzzle?”

“Yeah,” Kara breathes, twists her torso to strain for the bag without making Lena sit up. It’s lovely.

Lena eventually shifts to lean on Kara’s shoulder so she can see the puzzle, though, and they finish before it gets dark.

~ _Kara_ ~

It’s the Tuesday after Lena shows her the castle that she feels ready. She knows the castle has become Lena’s own little sanctuary, has become the place she’ll take herself when she wants to be alone but wants to feel her mother, feel Kara, even. That’s a new development that she’s pretty confident in. 

The thing is, Kara has spent a lot of time imagining Lena loving her back. She’s spent a lot of time watching Lena be happy without her. She’s spent a lot of time thinking about Lena, just generally, and when it comes down to it she thinks she can say she knows Lena better than most. And the way she’s been acting around her is unique.

Like, they’ve always been tactile. They’ve always cuddled and touched hands and stuff but this is on a whole different level, this is being pulled into beds and resting chins on shoulders and little sighs that they both let out now. Kara was starting to feel like she wasn’t quite right without Lena again. How it should be.

So it’s Tuesday again and she wakes up before Lena, presses a faint kiss to her hair, and quietly sneaks out of bed to fly down the hill (carefully!). She stops at the general store to pick up some scones and she’s proud to acknowledge that after a significant amount of work the woman who works the counter has warmed up to her quite a bit. It reminds Kara a little of Jess with the way she’d been so cold and dedicated solely to Lena’s protection before opening up just a bit. Just to her. It felt familiar and warm.

She calls Alex before Lena wakes up out on the porch. The screen blinks to life and Alex is there, curled up on her couch in a huge coffee shop t-shirt.

“Hey, Kara,” she says.

“Hey,” she says, “is it late over there? Sorry!”

“Don’t worry about it, Kelly and I couldn’t sleep anyway,” she says, flipping the screen to show her girlfriend fiddling with the DVD player.

“Hi, Kelly!” Kara waves brightly. 

“Hey, Kara. How’s it going over there?”

“Really great. Like, _really_ great,” Kara breathes through a smile. Alex flips the camera back.

“So? Give me some updates.”

So Kara does, gushing over her days with Lena and their meals and hikes and giggling sessions at the dining room table and the new plants Lena’s putting in her garden. Alex smiles patiently through it all, nodding at appropriate times. 

“Well, I have to say,” she says at the end, “it seems like you're definitely, you know. In love,” she whispers the last two words and Kara laughs. 

“She’s asleep, Alex, it’s fine.”

“Okay, sure. If it’s somehow possible you seem to be more in love with Lena than you ever were. And to be honest, Kara? Judging from what you told me I have a feeling she loves you too.”

“Yeah,” Kara breathes softly, “I’ve kinda been thinking the same thing.”

“Are you planning to tell her?”

Kara purses her lips. “Well, before I do, I was sort of realizing that she’s right. That I didn’t keep my identity from her just to protect her. And I’ve been trying to figure it out and it’s starting to make a little more sense but it’s still kind of jumbly and weird. And we’ve come so far and talked about our fight and William and how we didn’t really talk after Leviathan again and what if she doesn’t want to hear the big part? Or what if she thinks it’s too confusing and she tells me to leave, or—,”

“Kara,” Alex cuts her off softly, “I know Lena. She’d never get upset with you for telling her how you feel. And she’ll be so happy to listen to you, I know it. And furthermore? She’s already forgiven you. This is just gonna make her feel more safe, more trusted. And I know that’s what you want, right?”

“Yeah,” Kara murmurs, “yeah, more than anything.”

“Good. So here’s what you’ll do, okay? When Lena wakes up I want you two to have a mature conversation and kiss a lot and then I need you to come the fuck home. I’ve only seen you twice and you and your girlfriend are actually pretty fun to spend time with, weirdly.”

“She’s not my girlfriend,” Kara points out unnecessarily. Alex rolls her eyes.

“Okay, Kara. We’re going to go watch some bad movies, have a good day.”

Kelly pops into the screen at the last second. “When you come back you need to bring more of those pastries you had last time, they were incredible.”

“I know, right?” Kara exclaims, and she gets ready to start to explain the recipe she’d gotten from the local baker in detail when Alex abruptly leans forward to hang up. 

Well. 

-

She goes inside after a moment but not before soaking up the sun, watching Lena’s flowers crane their necks up for the morning. Once inside she sets the scones out on a plate, picks up a book sitting on the coffee table, and waits.

Lena shuffles out of the bedroom around nine thirty. “Hi,” she says, throat raspy, and Kara shoots her a smile over the pages. 

“Are these scones for me?”

“For _us_ ,” Kara corrects, “you can’t have them all, Lena.”

“Damn,” Lena laughs softly, “I was sure I could manage fourteen scones. I’ll have to try again later.”

“Shut up,” Kara moans, gliding over to sit at the table and stack five scones on her plate. 

“I will not,” Lena smiles.

“How did you sleep?”

“Pretty good. I got a little cold just now, though, where’d you go?”

“Called Alex and Kelly,” she says around a mouthful of breakfast.

“How are they?”

“Good. They were about to watch a movie. Kelly asked for some more food. Pretty standard conversation.” She’s sort of lying, which she doesn’t feel great about. Lena seems to notice her pained crinkle.

“What’s wrong?” she asks softly, and Kara is ready.

“Uh, I’ve been thinking. About why I didn’t tell you I was Supergirl.”

Lena freezes, stares at Kara slowly. She doesn’t look angry, though. That’s a good thing.

“And, well,” Kara continues, “I mean, you were right. It wasn’t about protecting you. Or, it kind of was. That’s what I told myself forever so I thought it had to be that, and I just believed it. But I’ve been thinking, and, well…” she trails off, fidgets, picks at a corner of her scone. Lena waits patiently. 

“Have I ever told you that I’m claustrophobic?” Kara asks tentatively. Lena stares at her for a few seconds.

Then she shakes her head. There is something in her glance telling Kara to continue, so she does.

“I was kept inside a pod barely big enough for me for twenty four years. And I was unconscious for a while but those things stick with you, you know? No matter what. And then I was out, suddenly, in a huge world where everything was loud and different but I couldn’t be alone, I couldn’t be in small spaces,”

She steals a glance at Lena and notices she’s listening intently, twisting her fingers and gazing at Kara. It makes her warm, feels like a hug in the softness of Lena’s gaze and she continues.

“And then… well, you remember the first time you fought with me. With Supergirl.” she pauses, and Lena nods sharply, regret sparking on her features, “Kryptonite. I was… I was so angry, so _horrible_ to you about it. Kryptonite hurts me, sure. It’s the thing that can kill me. I told you it was personal, and it is because it’s so tuned in to what hurts me and Kal. But… well, to me it’s a little more than it is to him, I think. I don’t like being contained. I get scared when I feel like there’s no way out and with kryptonite there really is just… no way out.”

She takes a deep breath and suddenly Lena’s hand is resting on her forearm, encouraging. Kara can barely handle it. 

“I think it was the same problem with telling you I’m Supergirl?” Kara says, more of a murmured question, “like, with you I could be Kara. Just Kara. And I didn’t want you to contain parts of me into one person. I was so scared for your safety too, and I was worried you’d hate me for not telling you but really… really. I think I got scared of you knowing the two parts of me and not liking one of them and trying to condense me into a little pod again, into a place I couldn’t breathe. 

And I know you wouldn’t. Like, well, It wasn’t rational. Because now you know and now we’ve worked through everything else and you haven’t, you’ve been so open to the whole me and you’ve let me be Kara and fly, you’ve let me be Supergirl and still play board games and you’re amazing for it. So yeah, it wasn’t rational. But I… everyone else who knows, James and Nia and everyone. They know me, sure. They’re my friends and I love them. But you… you know _everything_. Everything. I mean, I tell you things I haven’t told anyone. You’re at, like, Alex level, and I know she doesn’t make me smaller for it. But with you… well. Lena, you have the power to destroy me. Not because of your family, obviously!” Kara hastens to add, “But, well. Because you’re different from Alex. Because I… well. I think you know how I feel about you.”

Lena actually smiles at her, softly and contemplatively but still a _smile_. “I think maybe you should say it.”

Kara bites her lip. Lena nods.

“Because I love you, Lena.”

Lena doesn’t say anything for a little while but she ducks her head and Kara can see the little flushed expression she gets whenever someone pays her a compliment and she suddenly wonders how she ever could have hurt this woman. This beautiful soul in front of her.

“I’m… I can never explain how sorry I am.” 

And Lena looks up. “I know.”

Kara bites her lip.

“Kara, it’s okay. I forgave you a long time ago. And I’m so glad you told me, and I’m sorry I never looked out for the things that make you feel small. I also really am sorry about the kryptonite thing,” she cringes.

“It’s okay, Lena,” Kara whispers, touching Lena’s forearm across from where Lena’s hand touches hers.

Lena just smiles. Waits until Kara smiles back.

“Kara,” Lena says, “Just for the record, I love you too. You know that, right?”

Kara turns red. Because she _does_ know, but something about hearing Lena say it is so different from any of the times she’s imagined. Lena is smiling at her and she’s shown her whole hand and doesn’t regret it for a second. Lena is smiling at her and she forgives her, she really does. And Lena loves her too and after all this time and doubt it’s so much and it’s so good.

“Yeah,” she eventually murmurs, “I think I did, sort of.”

“Good, I’m glad. I want you to know, Kara.”

“Lena?”

“Yeah?”

“Would it be okay if I kissed you?”

Lena sighs happily. “Yeah, I think that would be okay,” she says, and Kara is around the table in a second. She doesn’t lean in quickly though, moving slowly. Her hands touch Lena’s waist. Her forehead bumps Lena’s. Their breath mingles. 

Lena nods.

When their lips touch everything else starts to click into place. Because, like, Kara knew Lena was her happy ending but this is something else, this is an eruption of light and the same feeling she gets when she’s laughing with all her friends on a curb at night. Or when she watches Dorothy step into Oz for the first time on her TV screen. Or when she’s under the yellow sun lamps, that same slow inching of light through her skin in a perfect glow, the warmth that comes from all sides until she feels more content than ever. It feels like Lena, feels like cuddling with Lena and being in Lena’s presence, like hearing Lena laugh or seeing Lena watch her out of the corner of her eye. It feels like home, feels like a promise. 

All in all it’s the best kiss she’s ever had. She tries to pull back but Lena makes a little whimpering noise and _fuck_ Kara would give her anything, everything in the whole world. So she doesn’t stop, just leans in closer and kisses her deeper and Lena’s fingers curl in her hair and it’s so lovely. Just like Lena is, she thinks. Lena would call her a dork for that.

When they do pull back Lena is flushed and her lips are very pink. Kara knows she looks like a mess but just leans back with her hands still on Lena’s back. “Wow,” she says softly, and Lena laughs lightly.

“Yeah, wow.”

“Rao, I love you,” Kara says, tracing her fingertip over the edge of Lena’s hairline where the morning sunlight is hitting her so perfectly, “I love you I love you I _love_ you.”

“I love you too, Kara,” Lena laughs breathily before falling forward, bumping her head into Kara’s neck. 

Kara wraps her arms tighter around Lena as soon as she can and feels Lena hug back. They’re okay. They’re going to be okay.

~ _Lena_ ~

They go home on a Tuesday two weeks later. She entrusts a local teenager with caring for the garden, stops into all the shops and tells everyone they’re leaving. 

“We’ll be back, though,” she says, “soon. Definitely soon.”

Kara’s always pushed her to take more vacations and for the first time she can see it. With a private plane and a superhero girlfriend it wouldn’t be hard to treat a home in a different country as a weekend house, she supposes.

They do take a real plane back, though. First class, of course. Kara has never been in first class before and takes full advantage of every single amenity possible. Lena just smiles. They put up the armrest to curl up and watch _Trolls_ together on the tiny screen. Kara cries (loudly, of course).

All in all it’s perfect. Because she went off to Ireland to find herself, to learn to be alone, to know her past and maybe to get over Kara just a little bit. And here she is, coming home content, happy with herself. She came home with a big album of photos of her mother in her suitcase and Kara on her arm, sniffling about a movie made for five year olds. It’s perfect, it’s trust. It’s working towards forgiveness, it’s filling the holes she’d never looked at before. It’s knowing that for the first time in ever, really, she’s spent time with herself and understood it and listened, and Kara has been there for her. Will still be there for her.

-

Nia picks them up from the airport because she’s recently passed her driver’s test (“Finally,” Kara scoffs, smiling when Nia shoves her), and Brainy is sitting in the backseat when they reach the car. 

“Hello, Lena,” he says, “it’s good to have you back. I have seven prototypes I’d like you to examine when we get back to the Tower.”

Lena laughs because it’s so _perfect_ , it’s Kara and Nia singing along loudly to terrible music from the early 2000s and Brainy talking excitedly about water cleaning tablets that work on a large scale. It’s Kara glancing back to grin at her. It’s their strange little secret language.

Nia drops them off at Lena’s house to unload their luggage, reminds them that game night is at Kelly and Alex’s place tonight. They agree, Kara carries everything up the stairs balanced on her head and arms (“Look, Lena! Look!”), and it’s just so good. Everything is so good.

Because things may not be finished, she realizes. There’s always been an end goal for her— defeat Cadmus, or Lex, or Leviathan, or some other big enemy. Increase L-Corp profits. Gain an ounce of public favor. Make Kara feel safe, make Kara feel loved. Love Kara. Be with Kara.

There’s always been something and now there isn’t, and it should stress her out but it just feels like a fresh page. It’s a new chance, it’s a time for her to look at Brainy’s inventions and set up a real desk at the Tower and go to Game Night and be with Kara, learn more about her and love her and wake up with her.

And when Kara delicately sets down Lena’s luggage to tug her inside her apartment, she knows. When Kara laughs loudly, spins her around, dips her in a little dance she knows. When they fall onto the couch she knows. When Kara kisses her and hovers just a bit she knows, steps firmer onto Kara’s feet and feels Kara stabilize her three feet in the air. She knows, finally. It’s all finally going to make sense. She’s going to be okay.

**Author's Note:**

> ... hi. If you're here thank you so so much for reading this absolutely ridiculous story that I'm dropping here. Thank you for bearing with my interpretations of everything (like the whole claustrophobia/identity reveal thing which i thought of at 2:30 AM once in, like, November). Also I just love Lena Luthor so much, guys, it's so unhealthy. And I have a feeling that the CW (ew) is going to fuck her over and that makes me so furious. So if you have questions or share my anger at those absolute idiots let me know!
> 
> Oh here is my [twitter](https://twitter.com/queenofmarigxld) and my [tumblr](https://blackseablacksky.tumblr.com/) if you want. Thank youuuu love you all <3


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